Entry tags:

fathermaster, fears, links, neck, sexblogs, squick, stories, triggers

Triggers and neck issues
I hate having triggers.

I feel like I should be better than that, stronger, more sane. Like my metasexuality and my bibliophilia should override my personal problems and neuroses.

And so when something blindsides me...it hurts. It hurts like hell, and it's scary, both for the memorybomb released, and for the feeling of weakness, of insanity that comes from having given in to the memories.

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I've spent the evening reading Under His Hand archives --I got to here, about face fucking. Full on, vomiting, choking, barely able to breathe, face fucking. Written about well, and strongly, and sure, a little bit scary, but it's okay. I can take it.

As background, I...have a severe squick regarding my neck. I do not like choking. I do not like gagging. In my world, there is no such thing as erotic asphyxiation, and any attempts to convince me otherwise is going to result in a mentally broken mesix for a little while. The concept of hands around my neck frightens me in ways that normal pain does not. Frightens me to the point that, as I write this, I'm shivering, crying, alone in an empty room with nothing around my neck at all but the hem of my t-shirt.

So when Kaya got to the bit about having to signal her master when she needed to breath, and if she did it incorrectly, he would just keep going and forcing and choking her...gods, I squeaked and started crying.

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...And seeing as FatherMaster has just sent me a porn about reaching eighth base, which reads a bit like an xkcd comic, I think I'm okay again. Damn this girlish ability to swing moods so easily.

I do love him so. I shy away from the word with him --do not want to scare away the boy who is just for sex, but he takes care of me better than any of my other boys. He is a good and glorious man.