Does that sound as emo as I'm afraid it does? I'm quite sorry. But it is a reasonably true statement --I did something that has potentially ruined my sexually based self. I am unclear as to whether this was a bad thing or not.
So, there is a boy. ComplicatedBoy, let's call him, being as that is his tag. He's nice enough, I've seen him once or twice at parties thrown by FatherMaster. We get along perfectly well, not the least because we both flirt and dance.
Leaving my home for the summer, I barely knew him, though I had already established that he was quite cute. Reminds me something fierce of my dearest, BelovedBoy.
During the summer, I became quite good friends with ComplicatedGirl. ComplicatedGirl is monoamorous, and dating ComplicatedBoy. She knows he's poly, and is mostly okay with that, though still at least a little insecure, poor thing. But we became friends. And I returned home, and became better friends with ComplicatedBoy, closer friends.
I found myself reassuring ComplicatedGirl that I had no intentions on her boyfriend. He had a games night, and I went, for the first time, to his house. We played games, and met people, and chatted, and eventually, everyone else left, and he...invited me to stay. I am insecure, I worry I waste people's time. He definitely wanted me there.
I stayed the night. And at one point, ComplicatedGirl called, and I talked to her, just to say hello. And to reassure her that I had no intentions on her boy.
Later that night, ComplicatedBoy and I had sex. I gave him a handjob, he pressed his thigh between my legs and twisted and squirmed until I found myself gasping with orgasm.
(Quite obviously, there was a step or two between, of us cuddling and just holding one another, and lightly stroking hands up and down backs and arms. The kiss, it was. Our heads just got closer and closer through all of that, and then our lips met, and our combined chastity was doomed.)
There was nothing wrong with the sex. It was not world shattering, nor sub par. I quite enjoyed it at the time, and I suspect he did too. And it was early at that point, and we held one another, tired but awake, perhaps sleeping, though no more than an hour or two before our paths had to separate.
The Too Long; Didn't Read version: ComplicatedBoy and I had non-intercourse sex.
And it was after we had gone our separate ways, that the world began to fall down. Lack of sleep had placed me off balance, the fact that I had just had sex with someone who I, in all honesty, did not know that well threw me farther off.
Sunday night, I was talking with BestFriend. She was always the more sexual of the two of us, we're the same age yet she had been fingered before I had ever had a sexual relationship, and she lost her virginity approximately two years ago (wheras, when it comes to penises in vaginas, I am still quite pure). BestFriend was telling me about her new boyfriend.
Jokingly, I asked something like "how was he in bed". She snapped back with "what kind of girl do you think I am", and as well she should --she's only known this boy for about three weeks.
I've only really known ComplicatedBoy for about three weeks.
Subsequently, I had a panic attack. I have never felt like so much of a slut in my life, and with good reason. I am, in fact, a slut. I was never meant to be a slut, I am *really* unsure of how to deal with this.
An uncoded friend talked me down from that one, bless her, but I had an afterecho, today. Only the fact that my housemates were in calmed that one down --I am too prideful and dishonest to cry in front of my friends. But I fear that there is still more to come.
Hopefully, ComplicatedBoy and I will settle, just as friends. Hopefully, ComplicatedGirl will not despise me, nor BelovedBoy. Hopefully, I will be able to doublethink the events of that Thursday night out of existence, and never think of them again.
And hopefully, I'll be able to stabilize. Sex is fun and pleasure is good for you? I'd like to feel that way. But I've got a hardassed feminist asexual fifteen year old lurking in the back of my brain. And she does not agree.
I'm not ruined for sex. I still feel horny, and BelovedBoy and I made love on Saturday night. But I think that now is the time for me to be dually monosexual for a time --be with my boyfriend, be with my girlfriend. No one else.
We'll see how well this works.
((EDIT: ComplicatedBoy and I enjoyed a few months of passion, then, at my request, we downgraded to a purely romantic relationship. ComplicatedGirl threatened to kill me if I hurt him, and BelovedBoy was fine, and more worried about me than anything else.))