Tags: crazyex

Like me anyways

Staying Silent hurts

Staying Silent hurts.

My university is participating in The Clothesline Project this week --a project designed to bring attention to the prevalence of sexual and domestic violence (especially against women).

I want to make a shirt. I'm still working out exactly what I want to put on it --"You said if I loved you, I'd fuck you. I say if you loved me, you wouldn't have forced" only more eloquent, better written --I am a writer at heart, and not writing well irritates me. Things go through constant rewrites in my mind.

But, to return to the point of the post, I haven't. I haven't tried to make a shirt. I've paused, ever so briefly at the table, tried to think through my words, but to no avail. I know I shouldn't keep being Silent --hell, staying so Silent hurts.

But I'm not strong enough to speak out.

And part of it is just social fear --it's not like CrazyEx *actually* raped me, it's not like he ever tried to use physical force against me, or hell, ever got his penis into me. The term rape? It can't possibly apply to me, because he never forced me into sexual intercourse, and that's what all the dictionary definitions seem to focus on.

I haven't *earned* my right to use that term.

But...

But he did force me. He used his words, to get me to do ever so much more, guilt and coercion and even when I asked to stop, to take a step back, he refused. He yelled at me, calling me a prude, implying that there was something deeply wrong with me.

And yes, he told me, in so many words, that if I loved him, I would have sex with him. He pushed and pushed, and when I told him I wasn't in the mood for sex, he asked if he could just press against me, essentially use me as a sex toy, his cock pressed hard and rough against my ass. He knew I didn't want anal, fine, that didn't stop him from being so rough it hurt some times.

And on that last morning as his girlfriend I woke up with his finger in my ass, and I just knew it was over. Pushing me further and further to intercourse, grooming me to enjoy it, fuck him, I was no longer having it. I was strong enough to break up with him.

Eight months later, I was finally strong enough to completely remove him from my life, when it proved from his comments and IMs that he was just so very not healthy for me.

It was a little over a year before I was strong enough to take back my livejournal as my own, talk about relationships and people and things that had happened.

But here we are now. It's been a year and a half, almost. And I can't talk about it. My Best Friend, the girlfriend I would marry, if I thought marriage was a reasonable concept, the boy I've given my heart to, the boy I've given my *self* to, none of them know.

Part of it's charity. I know we had mutual friends, I know many of them are still mutual friends. I don't want him to be thought less of by then. I don't want to hurt him --his life has been so hard and so rough and I'm not willing to just push it over the edge.

Part of it's love. Rereading old chats --I really did love him. I cared about him. I wanted him to be happy. I don't fall out of love easily, to the point where I start to wonder if I ever really loved him at all. But regardless, he's human, and I love him for that.

But most of it?

I think it's fear. I'm scared of what people will think, of him, of me. Of what they'll say. That they'll think I'm an idiot for staying with him so long or letting him go so far. Because I am an idiot, I should've been strong enough to not get involved with the man who fucked up my brain more than anyone else there ever was has or will. If I had the strength to escape him all along, why did it take me so fucking long to stop letting him hurt me?

I'm ashamed of my weakness. I'm ashamed of my past.

And although I still don't feel I've earned the "right" to say it, maybe doing so's the next step. Even if it's just in an anonymous blog, that nobody reads, that's supposed to be about happy warm fluffy sex positive things.

I was raped.

I was raped.

...And I'm still too weak to stop being Silent.



(((I apologize to anyone reading that this is my first post in a month or something. Life has been kinda blah, and I haven't felt much like writing. But this wanted to be said, and it was so hard to hit the post button in the first place, that I refuse to negate it by hiding the entry away.

I will find the strength. It's just gonna take me a long long time.)))
Virgin-old

I'm a virgin, but this is an old post

I've stopped calling myself a virgin.

For much of my life, I've been calling myself a Proud Virgin, and it was utterly, completely true. I liked being a virgin, I planned to do it until I was married. I was, after all, not only asexual, but antisexual when I was thirteen and fourteen and fifteen and sixteen. All my friends were rushing into relationships, holding hands, kissing, groping, fingering, more and I was just firmly sitting on the sidelines, happy in my pretentious belief that one *really* didn't need sex to be happy, and throwing oneself away like that was just disgusting.

Even through my relationship with CrazyEx, where we were doing sexual things, I was still adamant in the fact that I was a virgin, and was planning to stay a virgin for a long time. Then, one day he called me on it. He said that, because of all the things we'd done, given each other orgasms curled up warm and naked in bed, he said he didn't think I was a virgin anymore. That I wasn't a virgin anymore.

(He later cited this as the turning point in our relationship, and it may well have been. I certainly was less inclined to sleep with him after that, distressed and hurt by his words and the shame of no longer being that which I so idolized. But that's somewhat of a different post.)

I was incredibly damaged by his words. Seventeen, maybe three months from turning eighteen, maybe five at that point, and this glorious beautiful ideal I had been holding for the last four years had just been torn from me. If I wasn't a virgin, I was clearly a slut, and I just couldn't deal with that. Not in application to me.

Fast forward two years. I'm nineteen now. I've become sexual, and in such a way that I can view it as natural, as something fun and worth doing and all those little reasons why people have sex in the first place. I still find the thought of thirteen and fourteen and fifteen and sixteen year olds having sex to be extremely frightening, but I no longer think of it with as much fervour and bile as I used to.

CrazyEx never took my virginity. I figured that out at some point --that he had absolutely no right to try and define who and what I was for me. That it was my job, and my choice to define myself, how I saw fit. We had sex, but he never deflowered me, we never had that last step between merely close and truly intimate.

Somewhere in the first six months of our relationship, I saw BelovedDude refer to herself as a nonvirgin in some meme or another. And that set me to thinking --of course she's not. If she's a lesbian (or a heterosexual male) and she's had sex with me, she has no reason to feel as though she's a virgin. Which would logically imply that I'm not a virgin either.

That realization didn't spook me nearly as much as CrazyEx's accusation. I still didn't feel like a nonvirgin, but at least I didn't feel the shame associated with the idea to nearly so much an extent. As 2008 went on, and I became more sexual, with more people and in more ways, my responses to people got more and more complicated.

"Well, yeah, I'm a virgin. My boyfriend and I have just kinda done everything but." This was later defined to me as a 'dirty virgin', a term I used for awhile, before finally dropping it.

Because honestly? I'm not a virgin anymore. I'm not pure, I'm not innocent, I'm not maidenly or unsoiled or any of that. I've never had a penis in my vagina, but I've had sex, fantastic, wonderful sex, with multiple people in multiple ways, and I've enjoyed it. I've actively sought it out. Forget the past tense, I do enjoy it, and I do actively seek it out.*

I suppose if anything, I'm closer to the traditional definition of a slut. And I'm okay with that.

I used to call myself a Proud Virgin. I think it's formally time to start calling myself a Proud Slut.




I feel it should be noted that the lack of PIV sex is not for lack of trying at the moment. Unfortunately for both of us, BelovedBoy's other girlfriend, GirlfriendInLaw, is having a particularly stressful semester at her school in another state, and, when he brought the topic up to her, said that she really didn't feel like she'd be able to handle both the fact that I get to see BelovedBoy more often than she does *and* have real live proper sex with him.

On the one hand, this really really pisses me off, because honestly? Sex is more than just sticking a penis in a vagina, and there are a good number of ways to do it that are just as beautiful and intimate and hot. Why should just that one be off-limits to me? But I do understand that it's a closeness thing, and a societal norm to be the most important and significant part of sex, and I can see where she's coming from with this. It's not like I was in any particular rush to have my cherry properly popped.

I will be *incredibly* amused though if BelovedDude gets ahold of that feeldoe she wants, and she gets to take my v-card before BelovedBoy ever does.

*I am not, however, having sex at the time of this writing. Unfortunately.
Touch Everyone

An Introduction of Titles

As stated in my earlier post, I've decided that using descriptive titles is a clearer way to explain my relationships than easily muddled letters.

In this post, I aim to say a few words about why I chose the titles I did.

BestFriend -- This one needs no explanation, she is simply my Best Friend, and has been since we were eight. There are other people who may be closer to me or know more about my current life, but they do not qualify in any way as a best friend.

BelovedBoy -- As a somewhat aware non-heterosexual, I've spent much time looking for a good way to refer to my boy/girl/mtf/ftm/boi/grrl/whatever friends. Significant Other just sounds so clinical to me (despite xkcd's wonderful bastardization of the term), partner implies an eternity I'm not sure I'm emotionally ready to face, lover implies sexual intimacy, etc. I finally hit upon Beloved as getting the point across, and being entirely genderneutral.

BelovedDude -- See above. She would be BelovedGirl if she hadn't specifically mentioned that she doesn't feel the word girl fits.

ComplicatedBoy -- As per xkcd, I formally asked him to be my complication on Facebook. He is the mentally youngest of my current partners, I believe, which adds several layers of complication.

ComplicatedGirl -- She is not actually very complicated at all, beyond claiming to be heterosexual and having quite an interest in girls. The name serves primarily to tie her with ComplicatedBoy, as they have a very close relationship.

CrazyEx -- He is my ex. He is crazy. He fucked me up quite a bit, and I am bitter. He may very well do non-crazy things, but that doesn't stop that he tainted almost three years of my life by being a part of them.

DragonTech -- He is a professional theatre tech, trying not to starve. Through extended chatting online, I've learned that he tends to be draconic with his actions and avatar.

ExEx -- She is my ex-girlfriend. Who, during the summer of 2008, I began dating again. Ex-exgirlfriend. Ex-ex.

FatherMaster -- We are merely sexually involved, and theoretically not even that, He quite likes being in command of a squirmy little nineteen year old, giving him the master title. He is also the first person to ever be in a situation where they could bone fide hold me as I cry, and has spent much energy worrying about me and supporting me, giving him the title of Father. (My daddy issues will be a separate post)

Gentleman -- He really truly is. He is such a Nice Boy it almost hurts to think about. I'm still waiting for him to be revealed to have the head of his ex girlfriend in his closet, or something, he is that sweet and pure and good. (Pure is slightly of a misnomer -He's heard of Good Vibes, among other things.)

GirlfriendInLaw -- This is a technically inaccurate title, in that there is no marriage to cement the in-law title. She is the other girlfriend of my BelovedBoy.

Heartbreaker -- He was a high school romantic fling who dumped me, went out with this crazy bitch "friend" of mine for two years, and took something like a year and a half for me to actually get over. We are now quite close friends, but he remains the sharpest pain in my heart.

Kitty! -- The first time I ever met him, he spent the length of time acting more than a little cat-like. Old nicknames die hard.

OneNightGirl -- A girl I had a one night threesome with.

OneNightBoy -- A boy I had a one night threesome with.

Redhead -- And absolutely *gorgeously* so.

Regret -- There was a point in my life where I had to decide between continuing to date CrazyEx, who was local, or Regret who was quite not. I chose the former. I believe that my experiences have all stacked upon each other to bring me to the quiet perfection that is my current relationships, but given the ability to choose the other way at that point, I would have been hard pressed not to change my mind and save myself some pain.

ShibariBoy -- I picked him up this summer, and for a while we just talked shop, before realizing that the sextalk was getting more intense, and oh yes, naughty things wanted to be done between the two of us. We've still gotten little chance, but he is absolutely wonderful to distract my thoughts with.
Touch Everyone

A cast of letters

For the sake of my personal anonymity, I shall refer to the people in my real world and my real life by letters or numbers. Dependent on the person, they may have one or two characters to identify them. I hope they are not found to be too confusing.

With many of them, I hope to later do a proper introduction post, that gives a more in-deapth look at a single person, explaining who they are to me and how they've impacted me sexually. Once that has been done, I shall provide links in this post.

I will list them in the following way:
Name -- our relationship, their age, their sexualities, their gender, their kinks, location.

EDIT: After a thought-provoking post in polyamory, I've decided to use descriptive names instead of initials. I have done a separate post explaining why I chose each descriptor, which can be found here.

The location labels whether they are local (in the same city I attend college), back home (in the state where I grew up) or far away (anywhere else). The terms "mtf" and "ftm" stand for "male to female" and "female to male" respectively.

The list is alphabetical.

Me -- involved sexually, 19 years old, pansexual, polyamorous, female leaning genderneutral, light interest in bondage, dom/sub, and light pain (biting, spanking, scratching), local

***

BestFriend -- my best friend, never involved romantically or sexually, 19 years old, heterosexual, bisexual?, monoamorous, female, bondage, dom/sub, back home

BelovedBoy -- involved romantically, involved sexually, involved with GirlfriendInLaw, 31 years old, heterosexual, polyamorous, male, vanilla, local

BelovedDude -- involved romantically, involved sexually, 21 years old, pansexual, asexual, polyamorous?, genderneutral, FTM, light interest in bondage, dom/sub, light pain, far away

ComplicatedBoy -- involved romantically, have been involved sexually, involved with ComplicatedGirl, involved with a currently unnamed girl, ???, 27 years old, heterosexual?, male, ???, local

ComplicatedGirl -- involved with ComplicatedBoy, possibly involved with FatherMaster, 20? years old, heterosexual?, female, ???, far away

CrazyEx -- have been involved romantically, have been involved sexually, 37 years old, heterosexual, bisexual?, monoamorous, male, interest in anal, back home.

Dragon -- involved romantically and sexually, 23 years old, bisexual, polyfriendly, male, interest in BDSM, light pain, far away

ExEx -- have been and once again are involved romantically, 18 years old, homosexual, monoamorous, pre-everything ftm, ???, back home

FatherMaster -- involved sexually, possibly involved with GirlfriendInLaw, involved with a currently unnamed girl, 36 years old, heterosexual, bisexual?, polyamorous, male, interest in bondage, dom/sub, master/slave, pain, local

Gentleman -- involved romantically, involved very mildly sexually, 24? years old, heterosexual?, polyfriendly, male, ???, local

GirlfriendInLaw -- involved with BelovedBoy, possibly involved with FatherMaster, 24 years old, heterosexual, female, ???, far away

Heartbreaker -- have been involved romantically, 21 years old, heterosexual, male, ???, back home

Kitty! -- involved sexually, 21 years old, heterosexual, bisexual?, male, ???, back home

OneNightGirl -- involved sexually once, 19? years old, bisexual, female, threesomes, ???, local

OneNightBoy -- involved sexually once, 20 years old, heterosexual?, possibly pre-everything mtf, Bondage, heavy pain, possibly dom/sub, possibly master/slave, threesomes, local

Redhead -- slightly involved romantically, slightly involved sexually, 21 years old, heterosexual, polyamorous, male, bdsm, biting, other light kink, threesomes, exhibitionism, far away

Regret -- have been and possibly still are involved romantically, have been involved sexually, involved with a currently unnamed girl, 22 years old, heterosexual, polyamorous?, male, very light interest in kink, far away

ShibariBoy -- involved sexually, involved with several unnamed girls, 27 years old, heterosexual, monoamorous?, bondage, electricity, dom/sub, far away